Finding a Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapist: A Guide for Late and Self-Diagnosed ADHD and Autistic Adults
*Scroll down for TL;DR and a summary
Navigating the world as a late-diagnosed or self-diagnosed adult with ADHD or autism can be a lonely and overwhelming experience. Many of us spend years feeling like something is “off” but don’t quite know what it is. By the time we arrive at a diagnosis—or recognize the traits in ourselves—it’s often after years of masking, burnout, and feeling misunderstood. Finding a therapist who truly “gets it” can feel impossible. But it’s essential to have the right support, and here’s some info guide you through that process.
Why Finding the Right Therapist Matters
Let’s start by acknowledging that not all therapists are created equal. Just because someone has a degree or a license doesn’t mean they understand neurodiversity, let alone practice in a way that affirms your experience. Neurodiversity-affirming therapy isn’t just about acknowledging that ADHD and autism exist—it’s about deeply understanding and respecting these neurotypes, embracing their strengths, and working with, not against, the unique ways our brains operate.
The wrong therapist can inadvertently do more harm than good. They might pathologize traits that are natural parts of your neurodivergence, push for “normalizing” behaviors that are actually protective, or even dismiss your self-diagnosis outright. Finding a therapist who aligns with your needs is crucial for your mental health, self-acceptance, and overall well-being.
How to Spot a Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapist
So, how do you find a therapist who’s truly neurodiversity-affirming? Here are some key traits to look out for:
Language Matters: A neurodiversity-affirming therapist will use language that reflects an understanding and respect for neurodivergent experiences. They’ll talk about “traits” instead of “symptoms” and will be familiar with the concept of masking. If they use terms like “high-functioning” instead of the more affirming “low support needs” or seem to focus excessively on deficits, that’s a red flag. You want someone who views neurodivergence as a different way of being, not as a disorder to be fixed.
Experience with Neurodivergent Clients: Ideally, your therapist should have specific experience working with ADHD and autistic adults. Ask about their background and how they’ve supported neurodivergent clients. Listen to how they talk about neurodiversity—do they focus on helping clients navigate a neurotypical world, or do they seem intent on pushing clients toward neurotypical standards?
Self-Identification and Openness: A neurodiversity-affirming therapist might share that they are neurodivergent themselves, though this isn’t a requirement. What’s more important is their openness to discussing their approach to neurodiversity. They should be willing to talk about how they’ve educated themselves on neurodiversity and what informs their practice.
Validation of Self-Diagnosis: This is a big one. A therapist who is neurodiversity-affirming will understand that many adults come to recognize their neurodivergence outside of a formal diagnostic process. They won’t dismiss your self-diagnosis or make you feel like you need to “prove” your neurodivergence. Instead, they’ll respect your self-knowledge and work with you to explore your identity further.
Focus on Strengths, Not Just Challenges: While it’s important to address the difficulties that come with being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world, a good therapist will also help you identify and embrace your strengths. They’ll understand that ADHD and autism come with unique perspectives, talents, and abilities, and they’ll encourage you to build on these rather than solely focusing on what’s hard.
Collaboration, Not Dictation: The therapeutic relationship should be a partnership. A neurodiversity-affirming therapist will work with you collaboratively, respecting your autonomy and insight into your own experience. They won’t push you toward goals that don’t resonate with you or try to fit you into a neurotypical mold. Instead, they’ll help you define your own goals and support you in achieving them in ways that align with your neurotype.
Red Flags: How to Weed Out Non-Affirming Therapists
Now that we’ve covered what to look for, let’s talk about some warning signs that a therapist might not be the right fit for a neurodivergent client:
Pathologizing Language: If a therapist consistently uses medicalized or deficit-based language to describe your neurodivergence, that’s a strong indicator they might not be affirming. Phrases like “disorder,” “deficit,” or “impairment” without a nuanced understanding can be harmful.
Dismissal of Self-Diagnosis: Any therapist who dismisses your self-diagnosis or insists on a formal diagnosis before working with you is likely not neurodiversity-affirming. While a formal diagnosis can be helpful for some, it’s not a prerequisite for understanding and supporting neurodivergent clients.
Focus on “Normalizing” Behavior: Beware of any therapist who seems overly focused on helping you “fit in” or “act normal.” Therapy should be about helping you understand and accept yourself, not about conforming to neurotypical standards at the expense of your well-being.
Lack of Familiarity with Neurodiversity Concepts: If a therapist doesn’t seem familiar with key concepts like masking, burnout, or the neurodiversity paradigm, that’s a red flag. Neurodiversity-affirming therapy requires a solid understanding of these ideas, and if a therapist hasn’t done that work, they might not be the best fit.
One-Size-Fits-All Approaches: Therapy should be tailored to your unique needs, especially when you’re neurodivergent. If a therapist seems to rely on a one-size-fits-all approach or doesn’t take the time to understand your specific experiences, they might not be affirming of your neurotype.
Can Neurotypical Therapists Be Affirming?
It’s important to note that while a neurotypical therapist can absolutely be neurodiversity-affirming, there’s often an added layer of understanding and empathy when the therapist has lived experience. A neurotypical therapist who is dedicated to learning about neurodiversity and committed to providing affirming care can be incredibly supportive. They can help you navigate your challenges and celebrate your strengths. However, they might not fully grasp the nuanced, day-to-day realities of being neurodivergent. Lived experience brings a depth of connection that can make therapy feel more validating and less like you’re explaining yourself at every turn. That said, the right neurotypical therapist, one who genuinely seeks to understand and respect your experience, can still be a powerful ally on your journey.
The Growing Presence of Neurodivergent Therapists
There’s no denying that there’s currently a shortage of therapists with lived experience of neurodivergence. For years, the mental health field has been dominated by neurotypical perspectives, and many neurodivergent therapists have faced barriers to entering the profession or being open about their own neurodivergence. However, this is slowly changing. As neurodiversity becomes more widely understood and accepted, more neurodivergent individuals are entering the field and bringing their invaluable lived experience with them. This shift is helping to create a more inclusive and affirming therapeutic landscape, where clients can find therapists who not only understand neurodiversity intellectually but also know what it’s like to live as a neurodivergent person. The growing presence of neurodivergent therapists is a promising sign that the future of mental health care will be more supportive and validating for all.
How to Find a Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapist
Now that you know what to look for—and what to avoid—let’s talk about how to actually find a neurodiversity-affirming therapist. Here are some tips to get you started:
Start with Neurodivergent-Friendly Directories: There are several online directories specifically for finding neurodiversity-affirming therapists. Websites like the Neurodivergent Therapist Directory or Neurodivergent Practitioners Directory offer listings of therapists who focus on supporting neurodivergent folks and (most likely) have lived experience.
Ask in Neurodivergent Communities: Online communities, such as Reddit’s r/ADHD or r/AutisticAdults, can be great resources for recommendations. Many neurodivergent folks have gone through the same process and can share their experiences and suggest therapists who are truly affirming.
Interview Potential Therapists: Don’t be afraid to interview potential therapists before committing. Ask them directly about their experience with neurodivergent clients, how they approach therapy with ADHD and autistic adults, and what their thoughts are on self-diagnosis. This initial conversation can give you a good sense of whether they’re the right fit.
Trust Your Gut: If something feels off, trust that instinct. Finding the right therapist can take time, and it’s okay to shop around until you find someone who truly understands and respects your neurodivergent experience.
Finding a neurodiversity-affirming therapist as a late or self-diagnosed adult with ADHD or autism can be challenging, but it’s worth the effort. The right therapist can provide validation, support, and guidance as you navigate your neurodivergent identity and the challenges that come with it. By knowing what to look for—and what to avoid—you can find a therapist who will help you thrive, not just survive.
TL;DR
Finding a neurodiversity-affirming therapist as a late or self-diagnosed ADHD or autistic adult can be challenging, but it's crucial for your mental health and self-acceptance. Look for therapists who use respectful language, have experience with neurodivergent clients, validate self-diagnosis, and focus on your strengths. While neurotypical therapists can be affirming, those with lived experience bring added depth. As neurodiversity becomes more accepted, more neurodivergent therapists are entering the field, creating a more inclusive therapeutic landscape. Use directories, community recommendations, and interviews to find the right fit.
Summary
Importance of the Right Therapist: A neurodiversity-affirming therapist is essential for mental health and self-acceptance.
Key Traits of Affirming Therapists:
Uses respectful language (e.g., “traits” instead of “symptoms”).
Has experience with neurodivergent clients.
Validates self-diagnosis.
Focuses on strengths, not just challenges.
Works collaboratively, respecting your autonomy.
Red Flags:
Uses pathologizing language (e.g., “disorder,” “deficit”).
Dismisses self-diagnosis.
Focuses on “normalizing” behavior.
Lacks familiarity with neurodiversity concepts.
Relies on one-size-fits-all approaches.
Neurotypical Therapists: Can be affirming but may lack the depth of connection provided by lived experience.
Growing Presence of Neurodivergent Therapists: As neurodiversity becomes more accepted, more neurodivergent therapists are entering the field.
Finding a Therapist:
Use neurodivergent-friendly directories.
Ask for recommendations in neurodivergent communities.
Interview potential therapists to assess fit.
Trust your gut instincts.
Finding the right therapist takes effort but is crucial for thriving as a neurodivergent adult.
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